Swine flu…bah!

Note: I have done no research. It’s just a rant. Treat this like a blog. Blogs are retarded. but for the people who like to listen, I rant. The pics used are not mine, I’ve just taken stuff randomly off google.

The sequel to SARS, Swine Flu had everyone pissing acid and shitting bricks. Yes, the world was in peril and everyone was staying indoors. People were keeping away from movie theaters, from supermarkets, from anything that had to do with the outside. Even when they did go ouside, they wore these surgical masks.

Some people even paid 500 rupees a piece for these masks. It was like being in Outbreak, only it wasn’t a shitty film, it was fucking real! Everyone dressed up like Shredder from the Ninja Turtles. Idiots. every dumbass on the street was wearing this ridiculous mask! and why? Cause people were dying from swine flu. Swine flu, yeah right! it’s a fucking cold! Before I start off, let’s just take a look at Swine flu.

Ok, so where did this horrible disease spring up? Mexico! People were dying in Mexico and the world was getting tense. What else do you think people do there? Live happy lives? No! they fucking die! If it’s not swine flu, they get shot, or run over, or starve, or drown or spontaneously combust!

Swine Fucking Flu! What the fuck? It’s just a bad cold. People have bad colds everywhere! It’s just that when you have a bad cold in mexico, you die! Ok ok, where does Swine flu come from? From covhorting with pigs. Have you ever seen a pig? for those who haven’t:

Yesh, so we learn that if we hang out with this animal right here, for a long period of time, something bad’s going to happen. Of course something bad’s going to happen! You expected something good? Just look at it! To quote Samuel Jackson’s character in Pulp Fiction: Pig’s a filthy animal. If you hang around in filth, something bad’s going to happen to you, sooner or later. But no, people were perplexed! People in Mexico were dying after they spent copious ampunts of time kicking it with a bunch of pigs…OH NO! Idiots. Moreover, it’s not like the news is new. Pigs are known to fuck you up. Look at this, off wiki:

Pigs harbour a range of parasites and diseases that can be transmitted to humans. These include trichinosis, Taenia solium, cysticercosis, and brucellosis. Pigs are also known to host large concentrations of parasitic ascarid worms in their digestive tract.

So if you’re involved with pigs, it’s an occupational hazard, the result of a fetish or something in those lines. But now I’m losing track of the whole thing. Ok, so Swine flu traveled across the world, infecting and killing people. It came to India – 191. There are probably more people who die from choking on their breakfast. Swine flu is a retarded disease. It’s a fucking cold! You know what kind of people die from Swine Flu? Dumbasses. Well not everyone of course, but a majority of them. There are issues like poverty that prevent people from geting medication and hence they die. I’m not talking about them. The first swine flu death in Bangalore was a woman who was running a temperature of 105 for five days continuously and she didn’t do shit about it. You know what happened? She died! Big fucking surprise! Most of the cases are like this, idiots refuse to get treated and they die. Big fucking deal.

I don’t think swine flu is different from a normal cold. I’m sure people die of colds all the time (If you think not, you’re an idiot. seriously) A bad cold, when left untreated could turn into pneumonia , which could very well kill you. this is what happens with swine flu! So the whole world is running around and shitting themselves because of a cold? you’re buying that fucking dunce mask because of a cold? What a bunch of idiots! The only difference between Swine flu and the regular flu is that Swine flu is covered extensively by the media. It’s all blown out of proportion by the papers and the news channels. They just need a story! Nobody’s going to report some poor sod dying of a cold. But with swine flu, it’s a repackaged disease. It’s a reinvented flu. It’s a fucking celebrity flu. Full with the paparazzi!

Tomorrow some asshole will go snorkeling in sewage and end up catching some disease. Then that’ll take the forefront. Sewage sickness. Such incessant idiocy!

And then there were some dumbass bastards who said that we musn’t call it swine flu. It should be called H1N1. What the fuck? The pig’ll feel bad? IT’s incorrect to club the pig with a disease? Who gives a shit! it’s a pig! Pork, Ham, Bacon – that’s what pigs are good for! We don’t have to worry about their fucking feelings! These animal rights activists are getting out of hand. Somebody needs to cage them or something. Have you met assholes who say things like ‘I don’t care if people die, I just support the animals’  (may not be in so many words, but you get my drift right?) shit-face dumbass bestiality-practicing bastard asshole! Stop living in society if you like em animals so much. Go live in the forests. Stop using man-made products. See what your animals do for you then biatch! I’m all for the protection endangered animals, but there’s a limit. If these animal rights activists are so eager to shun their own kind and side with animals, then they should just remove themselves from fucking society. Go be like that retarded into the wild guy. We all know what happened to him…stupid bastard…

Lethargoptics

The eye doctor peered into Sumit’s face, his brow knited in solemnity. “Hmmm…” he muttered. He pulled out a torch and began flashing it in Sumit’s eyes, bewilderment acquainting his brow with the bridge of his nose. “You’re telling me his reading’s off?” the eye doctor asked Sumit’s mother. “No, he’s been misreading everything! He’s been reading things like ‘hompage’ for ‘homage’, ‘bird’ for ‘bride’ !” It’s like his eyes just don’t care. The doctor stared at Sumit, “Is this true?” his face twisted further, in bewilderment. Sumit sat there, yawning. “Whatever…” he sighed.  and then suddenly the eye doctor was racked with insight, “Ah!” he exclaimed and ran to his table. He retuned with s few inkblots from an old Rorschach’s test he had and holding up an inkblot he beamed, “Can you tell me what you see?”

Sumit sighed, “I don’t care…”

The doctor’s eyes widened, a smile slowly began to unravel across his face as he held up another inkblot, and another, and another…

Sumit didn’t react, “Who cares?” – “Some shit…” – “It’s the same crap over and over…”

The doctor put down the blots and walked over to Sumit’s mother, a wide smile pastered across his face. “Maam,” he said, “Your son has what is commonly called, a lazy eye…”

Goddamn South Indians…

Well, now that I’ve taken a swing up north, I’m going to hit closer to home. for those of you who thought I was taking sides, well, most South Indians as assholes as well. Now, there are several reasons why, but I’ve picked out a bunch that really stands out. Of course you must know that I maintain that a majority of Indians are complete and relentless assholes. Bastards.

They’re insecure: I’ve noticed this especially in Bangalore and up North. Up north, if you don’t know Hindi, or if your Hindi is bad, they really give you hell. For those of you who used to follow my previous blog: Notes On Blah, perhaps you read my post on N.I.D which generated some controversy. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. N.I.D houses some of India’s most accomplished, in the field of being a fucking asshole. They all have like 5 PHDs each, for being these gargantuan assholes. In fact, I think the word asshole should be synonymous with N.I.D, like if you yelled, “Watch it asshole!” to some guy who stepped on your foot, the response would be, “I’m sorry, you are mistaken. I’m not from N.I.D!” The sad bit is that it’s India’s best design school. Ok, now where was I? Ah yes. When I went to N.I.D for an interview those fuckers gave me hell ‘cause I didn’t know Hindi! I don’t know why Indians can’t leave each other be. It’s the same shit down South. The locals are all pissed off ‘cause of the influx of North Indians and they make a big song and dance out of how they don’t speak the language. What the fuck?! Just leave them alone! And the situation is really bad! At one point, they put a ban on Hollywood films, just ‘casue people weren’t watching the local stuff. You know what happened? The theatres started going out of business, ‘cause people just stopped going to the movies! Stupid STUPID fuckers! The hell is wrong with them?

They’re excessive: This goes for all Indians, but it’s a little more stressed down south. Ok, take these scenarios:

A guy and a girl are going out. Then after a while, the girl starts getting on his nerves. What does he do. Now below are two options. One is what a normal guy would do and the other is what generally happens down south. Try and guess what the south Indian would do?

1 – Break-up with her

2- Throw acid on her face

If you guessed 1, then you’re a fucking idiot. Don’t you watch the news? Don’t you read the papers? Not that they give you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but you have a vague idea of what’s happening. Now, scenario number two:

A guy asks a girl out. She says no. He asks her out again, and she says no again. Then he tries for a third time and she still says no. Now what does the south Indian do? (Again, two options)

1 – Salvage what’s left of his pride and walk away

2 – Throw acid on her face

I seriously hope you guessed 2. Yes, you see, this is the solution that several South Indians turn to, during matters of love. In fact, if a guy and a girl go out on a date, this is what the guy will carry:

Money

Flowers

Chocolates (maybe)

A vial of concentrated Sulphuric Acid

Fuck! They could start selling the stuff in Archies or something and they’d make a fortune. Every other fucker would be dropping in to buy some, right before his date. Stupid fucking assholes!

They’re touchy: Yes, south Indians are touchy-feely. This means they’ll hold your hand or press your shoulder for no fucking reason. They shouldn’t do it, cause it’s fucking freaky. And this isn’t some homosexual thing. They’re just like that. They love to touch other men (When it comes to women, they’ve got the acid). I seriously can’t get over this south Indian love that south Indian men bear for other men. It is downright sick. Just walk around in Bangalore and you’ll see guys holding hands and walking around, or guys with their arms around each others’ waists. A south Indian guy will grab another guy’s crotch and not feel weird about it, that’s how fucked up the scene is. BLECH! And they don’t need a reason, they’ll just do random things like rubbing your back or pressing your hand or grabbing your crotch (I’ve seen all of this happen) or just canoodling! Fuck! South Indian guys like to canoodle! This is making me sick…I’ll continue this in another post. SHIT!

Racism? Or just pure annoyance?

I’ll begin by saying; I find the Australian racism completely legitimate. In fact I don’t think it’s racism at all.

Apart from Shiney Ahuja (what the fuck sort of name is Shiney anyway. He should be packed off to a concentration camp just for his name), another event (more like a bunch of events) that’s got everyone talking is the racism in Australia. Yes, well, it seems that Australians are beating up Indians, for being Indian. I’ve met lots of people who say things like, “Bastard Australians! They think they’re too bloody great!” I don’t know how true this is, that Australians think they’re ‘too great’, but I seriously doubt it. I mean, apart from Cricket (which they’re slowly losing their hold on) Australia has nothing. What do they have, to be proud of? My great grandfather has taken dumps that are older than their country for crying out loud! Their forefathers are all convicts, so they can’t really brag of some incredible ancestory. Their literature is shit, so they all just hide behind the almost-opaque veil of Postcolonialism. I mean, even their national animals are retarded – the Kangaroo and the Emu. Let’s just look at them:

Kangaroo: This is a cross between a rabbit, a cow a deer and an envelope, whose claim to fame, is that it can jump around. Wow. Even my stupid dog can do that; it can jump all the way over my gate! Ha! Take that Kangaroos! and what else is this animal known for? Being hit by cars! I’m serious! Look at this piece I got of wikipedia:

“Kangaroos dazzled by headlights or startled by engine noise have been known to leap in front of cars. Since kangaroos in mid-bound can reach speeds of around 50 km/h (31 mph) and are relatively heavy, the force of impact can be severe. Small vehicles may be destroyed, while larger vehicles may suffer engine damage.”

Yes, this is their national animal. Shit. This animal is so useless, that the indigenous people of Australia eat it! (more from Wiki below)

“Kangaroo meat is used in barbecues, stews and various other types of cooking. The meat is also a staple part of the Aboriginal diet.”

And look at their national bird:

Emu: This bird is so retarded that it can’t even fly. Ha! (I know we’ve got the Peacock, but at least it looks cool). So what is this bird’s claim to fame? It’s really tall. Wow. Seriously, wow. And not only is it tall, it can run real fast, up to 50 kilometers per hour. Shit. I’ve known tricycles that go faster. And guess what, they eat this one as well!

Ok, so now, the Australians eat their national animals. So lets do a check. Australians have:

A culture that’s barely as old as some of the trees on my street.

Retarded National animals

Criminal forefathers

A country that’s mostly desert, so you can’t do shit with it.

Ah, so how can they go around saying they’re great? You know what? They don’t! Any self-respecting Australian will know that s/he is just not better than most people. Have you listened to Australians talk? They sound like fucking Didgeridoos!  Yeah, that reminds me. Another one of Australia’s brag points – Didgeridoos! Fuck! Can you call that shit an instrument? It’s a misshapen phallic symbol that makes a gargling sound, and that’s it. Wow. Super.

So as I was saying, in recent times, the Australians have been beating up Indians in their country. And people everywhere began shouting, “Racism! Racism!”When they asked these alleged racists why they were kicking the crap out of Indians and they said somethinglike this:

These Indians just crowd the streets. They talk really loudly and are very obnoxious. When you want to walk past them, they don’t even move. They’re so pissing off.

Now tell me, isn’t this reasonable? Can’t you identify with the Australians? The situation is Australia isn’t racism, it’s simply a case of the final straw breaking the camel’s back type situation. I’ll tell you this, Indians are primarily assholes, especially the ones from up north. Can’t you just picture the frustration that the australians are being put through? Fuck! I feel like jumping up and screaming, “Go Australians! Kick those fuckers!”

They don’t fucking move! Is it so hard to do that? Is it necessary to crowd the streets and talk loudly? It’s a free country, true, which means we could all go around carrying our piss in water bottles, but we don’t do that now do we? I don’t even have to do any convincing! We’ve all seen these fucking assholes that just refuse to budge. They just stand and crowd the footpath, the parking lot, the road, whatever it is, they will crowd it and talk really doudly in hindi – “Arey Kya yaar!” Stupid assholes. And people get beaten up here all the time for being dickheads. People from Maharashtra are all eager to get into fist fights and beat people who piss them off. But when someone of a different skin colour does it, they all go up in arms! Stupid blind patriots. And don’t give me some shit about patriotism, this isn’t patriotism, it’s just idiocy. Morons. Everytime I’m walking and I get stuck ’cause some asshole and his girlfriend are talking about how nice ‘Jab We Met‘ was, I want to tie them up and bury them in shit! This is me, someone who’s used to it. Just Imagine the poor Australians! Their country is fucked as it is. They have no culture, their national animals don’t even qualify for the special Olympics (IQs too low) and now, they can’t even enjoy whatever they’ve got! they can’t walk in peace! Oh, i think it’s reasonable to slap a few of those fuckers around.

But of course, you’ll say, “But not all Indians are assholes. Lol”

And you’re right. But it’s human to assume. so the only way to fix this problem, is to stop being such dickheads. It’s time to act civilized. If you’ve ever tavelled in India, you’ll know what I mean;. Everytime i go to Hampi and visit those ancient temples, I fucking weep. You know why? ‘Cause it depresses me to be associated with these people! You’ll have this beautiful temple that fucking ancient and signs everywhere saying ‘World Heritage Site’ and ‘Do Not Touch’. Now you’ve got two sets of visitors. The Indians and the foreigners. The foreigners will make sure they keep their distance. They’re quiet, they take their pictures and gop. But the Indians…whoa… They’ll scream, “Mummy! Mummy! Dekho dekho!” or they’ll climb on top of the ruins with ‘Do Not Touch’ written on them and pretend to ride the ruins. All this just makes me sick…what bastards! And if you tell them not to they’ll say things like, “Oh, in my own country, I can’t ride the ancient monuments?! This is outrageous.”

What can I say, The Australians aren’t being racist. they’re just pissed off and their anger is justified. It’s not racism, it’s pure annoyance.

Angels, Demons and other figments of the imagination

Let me try summing this up in one sentence.

Angels and Demons is about how Tom Hanks runs around, following the directions in which the statues of Rome’s churches are pointing, while simultaneously dropping bundles of supposed trivia, saving cardinals and the Vatican.

Wow.

L.S.D

Professor Shankar walked into the Chemistry lab, just to be greeted by a floor covered with broken glass. there was a thinck layer of a fuming transparent substance all over it, which had begun eating away at the tables and chairs. Bits of plastic had begun to melt. An ant was caught in the midst of it all. Half of it had begun to disintegrate. Lab assistant Shivaraj stood in the corner,holding a beaker over his head. It had ‘HNO3′ neatly written across it. He smashed it on the ground and waited, an expression of dismay plastered across his face.  He saw the professor, staring at him in bewilderment, “It’s all lies sir! lies I tell! I’ve been dropping acid all day and I don’t even have a buzz!”

Everyone’s a Poet

Do you have friends who write poetry? I’m sure you do. Everyone knows someone or the other who’s into poetry. If it’s not poetry, it’s some form of writing. Everyone believes that they’ve got some deep thoughts that are in dire requirement of expression.

“My writing is my voice…man”

Ah shut the fuck up!

And there’s an explanation for this. Writing doesn’t really require much equipment. A pen and some paper. Tadaaa! You can write! It’s a lot like photography – any asshole with a camera thinks he’s been blessed with an incredible aesthetic sense. “

“Yo man! check out these pics dude! I got some sweet shit going on here!”

Oh zip it biatch!

Of course some of you are saying to yourselves, “It’s a free country, let people do what they want!” Yes, well, of course people can do what they want. They can write and take pictures till they drop dead for all I care. What ticks me off, is the fact that these assholes think they’re the shit. Any guy with a pen (or a computer) thinks he’s the greatest writer ever! S/he’ll post pieces on the internet and get friends to comment and say things like:

“Dis iz da bezt!”

“U blowin’ ma mynd bro!”

“Dis iz likk Litchrachur n shitt!”

And that’s all the convincing they need! It’s like this. Retards have retard friends. Retards have retarded opinions and retarded taste. Retards don’ know shit and that’s why they’re called retards in the first place. To these asswipes, there is no learning process. Once their fucked-in-the-head friends tell them it’s cool, they’re convinced of their greatness. And if you tell them the truth about their writing, even politely, they don’t like it. They just like being told that they’re awesome. Assholes who never read anything except Dan Brown, Sidney sheldon, Jeffery Archer, Robert Ludlum  and Harry Potter think they’ve got what it takes to write. Imbeciles who never paid attention in Literature class, who think Mark Twain’s for kids and who think ruskin bond is god’s gift to Indian Literature think they can just write, like they were destined to do so. Like they have it in their blood. Idiots. I think this is all because of blogs. Yeah, I’m saying it right now,

BLOGS FUCKING SUCK!

Because it gives people the illusion of being published you know. “Ooooh! I wrote on my blog today!” Wow! Whoop de fucking doo asshole! Now I know what you’re thinking. Right now, you’re going, “This guy’s a hypocrite!” and I shall clear that up right now. Blogs are shit, serving no other purpose than to entertain. They aren’t literar. They’re just the musings of some schmuck who has a lot of time on his hands. At the most, a blog can convey a message, give out info, like tell you an event is taking place somewhere. I write on this thing everytime I want to take a verbal dump. I hate the fact that blogs ar taking so seriously, cause they’re crap! Just look at one of the previous sentences from this post: 

“Retards have retard friends. Retards have retarded opinions and retarded taste. Retards don’ know shit and that’s why they’re called retards in the first place.”

You can’ t take something like that seriously! It’s just for you to go heh! at. The word Blog itself gets to me. Oh, I blogged today, I wrote in my blog, I’m an avid blogger, let’s blog about something. Get a life assholes. You don’t take your own feces seriously now do you? Well, it’s the same with your blogs. Idiots.

Turkey

Some of the pictures from my Turkey trip are here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=91266&id=550351567&l=f048b128da

Stating The Obvious

I had a haircut a couple of days back. The sonofabitch barber cut it way too short. For those of you who don’t know, my hair was rather long, until that idiot with a pair of scissors did a Hiroshima-Nagasaki on my scalp. Stupid asshole. Now, every other person I meet goes, “Hey, did you have a haircut?

What gave it away genius? The fact that my hair’s shorter?

I hate these characters who state the obvious. Yes I got a haircut! What? You think it just decided to grow shorter? Retard. It’s not just with haircuts. It’s with everything! Like, if it’s cold and you have a sweater on, they’ll ask you, “Feeling cold eh?”

“YEAH ASSHOLE! What? You think I’m wearing it for kicks?”

Some people won’t even relate feeling cold to the sweater. They’ll walk up to you and go, “So, sweater eh?” The hell do you say to that? – “So, retarded eh?” It’s so infuriating when these charaters with vaccuums in their heads try and strike up converations. Just like those other idiots who act surprised and ask you things like, “What are YOU doing here?” when they see you at the theatre or something. The hell is wrong with them? Can’t I go to the theatre? Is it that astounding that I stepped out to go watch a film? If shit like this can get them all surprised, then I’m sure crap like the monkey Man (see Delhi Sucks) keeps them up all night.

To The Youth (a reposting)

(Originally posted on ‘Notes on Blah on June 8, 2008)

A couple of days back, one newspaper interviewed the youth of Bangalore and asked them the following question:

“What changes would you like to see made in your city?”

Now the youth, a category that many of us are forced into because of our age, isn’t considered the most popular or the smartest. This was their chance to redeem themselves! They could’ve done a considerable job of wiping the slate; they could’ve shown assholes like me that I was wrong and that my generation is smart. They had a chance to tell everyone that the youth isn’t as stupid as it’s made out to be. So began a list with a rather obvious start:

Liquor stores that are open 24 hours a day: Well, ok this makes sense. In Bangalore, everything closes by 11:30, which is pretty pissing off. In fact, by ten thirty most of the stores are closed and you’ve got to hunt for a place that’s open, which can be painful. Of course, if people just bought their shit before 10:30, then we wouldn’t really have a problem. But the fact remains that it can be pretty inconveniencing for those who get off work late.

We don’t want pubs/clubs to close at 11:30, later hours: This one also makes sense. Apparently, Bangalore had incredible night-life until the eleven thirty rule came about. Maybe they could push it to one or one thirty. That would be alright.

Now it’s after this that the answers really took a turn, number 3 on the list was the following (I swear I’m not making any of this shit up, I’m dead serious!):

Self Driven Cars: The youth wants self driven cars. There are cars that work on an autopilot mechanism, with no driver. They are cars that drive themselves. This was their solution to killing traffic and road rage – “Oh! If therr wer no drivrs, thn thr wuld be no road-rage LOL!” Dickheads. SELF DRIVEN CARS?! What do they think this is? Minority Report?! Stupid assholes, they might as well have asked for jetpacks like in Dangerous Dave. We don’t have proper roads; the public transport is in shambles and these wannabe down-syndrome victims want cars that drive themselves. Like where the steering wheel turns automatically and shit! Wow! The youth is so unpredictable, like this faulty switch that shocks you! And from this point, they went on a roll, because number 4 on the list was:

Strip Clubs: What?! Strip clubs? What the hell are these fellows thinking?! They could’ve asked for a better education system, but no, they want strip clubs. In a place where everything closes at eleven thirty. Strip clubs, where women take their clothes off for money. And you’d think they’d stop there, but no, they also want number 5, which is:

Sex Shops: At this point, the idiocy was falling off the page and staining my carpet. They wanted Sex Shops. They could’ve asked for ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and they asked for sex shops. And I’m not talking about one person. Whoever was writing the article picked up some of Bangalore’s most enigmatic college students (you should’ve seen the picture, they were all grinning and drinking overpriced coffee from on of those Espresso Bars, like they were giving you the solution to the world’s problems. God I hate them. Fucking assholes.)

And if it wasn’t bad enough, they threw in a few others like No Speed Limit. They don’t want speed limits! What do you say to these people? How do you take anything they have to say seriously? At least if they’d asked for money, then we’d know they were just selfish, not fucking retarded! I’m just glad the youth of the country isn’t in charge. Idiots.